Iron soul.

I started using this term after the first panic attack I had at the hawker centre. I have noticed, a long time ago, that I possess astonishing indifference towards a great deal of things. In other words, I tend to not experience much emotion in most situations. If there must be an explanation, it is more of how I am hard to "impress", or "influenced". In simpler terms, I just find it difficult to care, or the simplest - give a fuck. 

For those who have followed this blog over the years, you might have noticed posts documenting such experiences. Don't confuse this with the sort of anti-social "no-one-understands-me" attitude that teenagers have - it is not a phase that will pass. It is not the sort of "I-don't-give-a-fuck" that is filled with angst. It is just good ol' "I-don't-give-a-fuck". This is just how it is, and I call this "iron soul". No particular reason to the name and yes, I know that there are tougher metals than iron. This indifference has helped me cope with incidents that would have otherwise most certainly crippled me, in one way or another. 

The downside to this is that when I do feel nervous and whatnot, I experience them at a level where I start to malfunction. If I am nervous about, say, a presentation and I am unable to curb it, I will become nauseous and start throwing up. In worst case scenarios, the vision starts to blur and my hands, shaking. That bad. 

I have came to the point where I realize that my life has really changed, and it most certainly will change a lot more. If I make it past the last interview for Yale, for instance, I will be leaving Singapore for an entire year - something that is bound to shake me up as the time to board the plane draws closer. I foresee that I will suffer from bouts of panic when such things happen, and thus the point of this entry -

Dear "Adjective" Me, 

Whatever terrible emotions you are feeling now - know that it will pass. You know this very well. Be brave, and know that it is a mere moment of weakness. 

No experience is ever wasted, and it is just part of being alive. The world is so big, and this is not the end. Go out there. Experience new things. Grow. See things to the end - go on, you can do it.

Regards,

"Iron Soul" Me

This might work better if it is written in ink or something, but I need to have something that I cannot "lose".

School starts in less than ten hours and I hope that this time I will have a better second semester than the last. I will work hard on this end, too.