You know, I have been spending my traveling time on buses reflecting about my life and actions for that particular day recently like a good girl. I find that rather strange, to tell the truth.

When I was in Primary 4, a teacher (I forgot who) told my class something like "reflections help you to understand yourself better". I scoffed at her idea, claiming that it would not help me because I understood myself enough to waste my time doing such a silly thing.

Now nearly 6 years later, I have decided that I disagree with what I said that year, and unfortunately, I still do not agree with my teacher.

I am a person of many mysteries. My parents say that. My friends say that. Even my dog now starts look at me in a suspicious manner. You know, like - "Who the fuck are you, Miss?" If it was in the past I would probably go, "Stupid dog, I am your owner."

But now, I think I would look back at my furry companion and say, "Yeah man, who the fuck am I?"

So these days I have been reflecting about myself like an angel (and eventually fall asleep halfway through because I tend to travel to dreamland very easily in moving vehicles), and I have came up with an answer to my identity crisis.

Woooo. The key to all my problems. The key to save the my world.

The reason is simply because *drums roll* .... I am just a retarded 16 year-old student.

.......

Now, please don't look at me like I just gave you a slap. I probably will if you continue giving me that.

To me, 16 years is too short a time to understand yourself completely - clearing the doubts that clouds your vision of an ideal future you really want, experiencing enough in life to know how to lead a life properly and making enough decisions in life to know what works best for yourself (and probably your loved ones as well).

People change. So do I. I am (although I really don't want to admit this ugly fact) still a teenager. My hormones still rage inside my body. I still flare up over ant-sized matters and scream at my friends when I know that my conscience will definitely haunt me as soon as I finish screaming. I still rebel against my angelic parents when I clearly know that I will regret it and apologise like a wimp soon enough. I still do stupid things like deliberately going against the teachers when I know that I will get into grave trouble later on. The fact lies flat like a hearty smack to my face - I am still a fucking teenager.

People always think they know themselves inside out. However, they still find themselves doing things that they never thought they would do in time to come. They still find themselves flaring over things that they never thought they would. They still make mistakes and wrong decisions that they never thought they would.

One day, your friend ask you this question, "Eh, what will you do huh, if you husband cheat on you?" You, sensible and sweet (supposedly), answer confidently, "I will seek him out and have the matter talked over and see how it goes (or any politically-correct answer your CME teacher taught you like observe whether or not he is really cheating la, scared wrong him la, all that shit la)."

Are you sure you will be that perfect ten years later? Are you sure you are not the type that will march over to the vixen's house and give her a tight slap? Are you sure you will not flare and kick your husband's you-know-what? Are you sure that you will not be vindictive and start planning your revenge?

How do you know what will become of you in ten years? Everyone has a vision. But whether or not you manage to achieve what you have pictured in your head is, well, another thing.

But despite all I have came up with through my self-discovering sessions, I am still positive about the fact that I am unlikely to get married. Like I said in that post of mine, sometimes you just know what problems you will face even though it is not yet the time. Unless, well, something catastrophic happens that reshapes this part of my character.

... Damn la. I think I just jinxed myself for eternity.